Disclaimer: this post is a mess, because I’m a mess, at the moment. It’s half a rant about a shitty situation I’m going through, a quarter me talking about the lessons God is teaching me through the shitty situations, and a quarter me discovering even more lessons as a write. For the sake of organization, I’ve divided it into three sections: «the messy situation», which is mostly the rant; «the lesson», and «grace». But anyways, this post is a mess. You’ve been warned.
A: the messy situation
I recently ended things with a guy I’d been talking to for four months. The relationship was going nowhere, he isn’t the kind of guy I see myself sharing the rest of my life with, and he might even have manipulated be a little bit throughout the «relationship» – quotation marks because we actually met online and only saw each other once in person.
I was the one who ended things, and still, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more broken-hearted in my entire life. Not only because I had feelings for him despite knowing it wouldn’t work, not only because of the loneliness that comes after four months of constantly talking to someone, not only because no one was ever as nice to me as he was from day one.
All of those are true and apply, but the real reason why I’m having what feels like the worst time ever is because I was the one who messed up. I was the one in the wrong, and I was the one that hurt the other part. I hurt someone I cared deeply about and it’s the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. I was extremely selfish and self-centered, and as if it weren’t enough, realizing that helped me see that I’ve done it in the past, to numerous people – and it hurts like a bitch, too.
Now, context. What did I do? Long story short, I led this guy on. I gave him mixed signals for four months. I knew whatever we had would eventually die because of the reasons I mentioned above, but I failed in communicating that to him. The one time I came close to it, I discovered (because of his reaction to it) that it’d mean losing him for good. I mentioned I wasn’t 100% certain about what I wanted with him, and he told me to take some time for myself and thing about it, because he needed an answer. He didn’t shrug it off and continue talking to me as usual like I expected him to – he got upset.
Now, I don’t know if he was in the right or not by asking me that. That’s another issue. But the fact here is that I got scared. I got so scared that I rushed myself into giving him an answer that was, essentially, a lie, and I spent the next months convincing myself that it wasn’t. That I was indeed in the same page as him, that I did want a serious relationship with him. He knew I wanted to take things slow, so we never really got anywhere, but I let him believe we would. I didn’t stop him when he told me how much he cared about me, how much he appreciated me. I didn’t stop him when he said I was the best thing that could have happened to him, I didn’t stop him when he started talking about meeting each other’s families. I didn’t stop him when he made plans for the future – for trips we could make, activities we could do together. I didn’t stop any of it – in fact, I kind of encouraged it.
In other words, he wanted a kind of certainty I couldn’t give him, but I knew telling him that would mean losing him and I didn’t want that, so I lied.
All of this, these four months of lying to myself and to him, ended up in a very awkward first date during which I realized (only to a certain level) that I didn’t want the same as he did.
And so I ran away. First, I told him, out of the blue, that I needed time – and after a week of not talking (after, remember, four months of talking 24/7 until 4AM) I sent him a short paragraph in which I simply said that we weren’t on the same page after all, and that I didn’t want to go on with him. He said he wanted to talk – but I didn’t let him. I couldn’t, because I was suddenly so overwhelmed by what I had allowed to happen, that all I could do was disappear and remove him from my life.
At first, it was a relief. It took me two days to start missing him and to start feeling really, really guilty. I missed him, so much. Sooo much I began wondering if I should talk to him, apologize and try to be his friend again.
Well, we did speak again a month later. He messaged me to tell me that I’d really hurt him, and by then, I’d calmed down enough to understand how unfair I’d been to him, so I was able to apologize and explain things.
Now, here’s where I fuck up again: right from the start, after he said what he had to say and I said what I had to say, he told me we would never be just friends. He was sorry, but he couldn’t do that, because he still had strong feelings for me. I understood, of course. It made sense and while it broke my heart, I knew it was probably for the best, and even if it weren’t, I had to respect his choice and his feelings.
I knew that, objectively.
But the prospect of never talking to him again was so, so painful, and I’d missed him so much over that last month, I allowed the conversation to go on until 5AM again, like the old times, and when he asked me if I could really and sincerely tell him I didn’t wan’t to be with him, I said I don’t know. Because once again, telling him te truth was too scary – telling him the truth meant losing him for good.
So I lied. And then I took the lie back. And then I lied again, and then I took it back again. It all comes down to something he himself told me: «you don’t know what you want with me, so you want me to stay in your life without any type of commitment» – which wouldn’t really be wrong if he hadn’t explicitly told me one hour earlier that he didn’t want to be just friends. He did want commitment and I knew that, but letting him go was so painful I just couldn’t do it.
He was the first to realize what I was doing, and he flat out told me how selfish I was being. He got upset, told me I was playing with him, and left. What I thought would end as a bittersweet goodbye (I would go into ‘no-contact’ mode after that last talk, since he’d said we couldn’t be friends) ended with both of us angry and in pain, with me apologizing again and with him just leaving the conversation.
And that’s what it took for me to understand everything I’d done. That’s what it took for me to become aware of everything I’ve just written down. That’s what it took for me to realize that I’d cared more about how I loved talking to him and having him there for me, than about his feelings. I’d done it before, and here I had done it again after apologizing: I’d let him believe there still was hope for us, just for a few more hours of conversation. Just to hear him tell me how much he adored me for a little bit longer.
B: the lesson
And it goes beyond that: I’ve also realized that this selfishness, this self-centeredness has led me to hurt multiple people before. Friends, family, strangers. I’ve never been able to see beyond my actions, I never realized how much something I did could impact others – and it’s the worst feeling ever. I’ve stopped talking to friends out of the blue because I suddenly couldn’t stand them – never stopping to think about how that could affect them. I’ve dropped out of groups (church groups, school groups, sports groups) because I didn’t feel like going anymore, never bothering in saying goodbye or explaining why I was leaving. I’ve cancelled plans and ditched people last minute because I preferred to stay home, never considering how that change of plans might impact them.
In short, I realized I’ve been awful to people for most of my life beacuse of my self-centeredness.
Now, why am I going on and on about this?
One, because I need to vent. This is still a process I’m going through and I need to let it out, somehow.
Two, because this is a horrible, sad situation that God is using to teach me what right now feels like the most important lesson in my life.
Half of what I wrote above, I realized while praying the day after the messy last conversation. And it was a very painful realization that had me crying for hours, but I know it came from Him. And I know if I hadn’t heard it, I’d go on being this awful person for who knows how long. I’m still crying about this whole thing, but I’m also so, so thankful for the opportunity to redeem myself and start doing better. I feel like I’ve finally found the thing that was stopping me from truly following Him, from truly experiencing a change of heart, from truly behaving like someone who knows and loves Jesus with all her heart. From repenting.
C: grace
Which takes me to, three: because this is probably the first time I’ve really, truly felt like I don’t deserve God’s forgiveness. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve always known I don’t. None of us really does – and that’s the beauty of His grace. But this is the first time I’ve genuinely felt it, this is the first time I’ve asked Him to forgive me while crying my eyes out because I couldn’t believe how wrong I’d been, how much I’d failed in following His teachings.
And what do I have left when I feel like the worst person ever?
His promise: He forgives me. He knows my sin and He loves me anyway. He knows I messed up, He knows how bad it was, He knows what I did – and He still forgives me. He still says I’m worthy, He still says He loves me, He still says I’m not the piece of shit I feel like. And at the end of the day, I am who He says I am.
And, right now, it makes no sense to me, but it’s Him who’s saying it, and all I can do is trust Him.
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